Through The Mud Clearly

I noticed something early this morning. Every Sunday night I go to bed; sleep a couple of hours and wake up unable to go back to sleep. Finally; about 3am I give up trying and get up. While I am laying there I find myself thinking about Monday. Monday is chemo day followed by radiation. I think about how it is going to make me feel; knowing I will be dragging myself around by the scruff of the neck for 3 or 4 days and of course that makes me a bit depressed. This week I also thought about something my radiation team said to me on Friday. They said the doctor will be meeting with me on Monday and may recommend some boosters....meaning additional treatments. I was rather discouraged to hear this and found myself sinking into the abyss. But.....just before I got up I was reminded of my "theme song"...don't give up, don't give in, don't give up, don't give in. I got up and thanked God for the path He has given me to walk and the grace to walk it!

Today begins week 2 of chemo and radiation. I can't say that I am looking forward to it except it is just one step closer to my healing. But now; after last week; I have a little more knowledge about how to deal with the horrendous side effects....take nausea medication AS DIRECTED even if you don't feel nauseated, drink a ton of water and make sure the warriors are praying! I also learned that for me; a spoonful or 2 of peanut butter helps to calm my stomach....hooray for peanut butter!! I also met with the thoracic surgeon last week. Very informative. Talked about slicing and dicing (my words not his), tubes and more tubes and a 10 day hospital stay with several weeks of recovery time. definitely major surgery! Tomorrow (Tuesday) I will see a cardiologist for a "cardiac clearance" which sounds like some sort of a big sale LOL! Anyway....forward march.

Today; while sitting in the chemo room; I realized that I hadn't blogged since my PET Scan. Well, I have written stuff on Facebook if that counts. So, here are the results of the Scan. By the way, I learned the actual name and location of the thing. It is a "malignant neoplasm of the lower 3rd of the esophagus." It is at stage 2 and hasn't spread to any other organs except for 1 lymph node. The Doctor said the treatments would take care of the node. After 3 weeks of treatment I will be re-evaluated to see what the next step should be....more treatment or surgery.  Anyway; back to the chemo room (which I refer to as the barn because of something that Kathy said). OK I will tell you what she said. While at the office getting test results she peeked in the room and said it looked like a bunch of cows feeding. So now when I think about chemo I see cows at the trough. But they get to sit in really comfy recliners! LOL. The nurse was amazed that I had no problems with my first treatment. God is good!  Leaving the barn, it was now time to head to my Zapper appointment (my term for radiation). It was quick and easy except I think the technicians are wanna be artists because they kept drawing circles and arrows on me. Oh the fun!

I had the PET Scan yesterday...fell asleep in the tube thingy! Results coming on Wednesday. I am feeling a bit apprehensive about it although I don't know why. Also met with the radiation oncologist and the physician's assistant. Really liked them both. They took the time to explain and answer questions; plus they seem to have a good sense of humor! I will be meeting with them every Monday and will have treatment 5x per week M-F. Will get my chemo schedule on Wednesday. Kind of a lot to take in, but on the plus side....they want me to eat/drink a high calorie diet! Nobody has ever said that to me before!!! LOL.

Back from the Doctor. Heard a lot of stuff; almost too overwhelming to take it all in...probably that why they gave me a huge packet of information! Took blood to test stuff that they need to test for. They are now waiting for authorizations from insurance company to do Pet Scan, insert a port, and do chemo and radiation treatments, another endoscopy and possible surgery. They hope to do the Pet scan by the end of the week and will call me with appointment time. So basically there is no new news but I do feel encouraged after the appointment. They said I look good for someone with esophageal cancer! /blood pressure was good too! God is good.

I read a very short,  very caring email this morning, It reduced me to tears...real, heartfelt tears. I don't know if it was the email that did it, the love that came through the email or just the stress of this week that caused this to happen. Or possibly the combination of the three. So its been kind of a emotional day for me. But, it also has been a good day. I talked with several coworkers and received many words of affirmation and comfort. It was good. I then spoke to a couple of people who I knew with out a doubt they would spread this news through the entire office. I did this on purpose. That was so I wouldn't have to repeat my story 500 times! So now everybody knows. Mission accomplished!
Monday I go to see the Oncologist who will do some testing, determine what stage the cancer is at and prescribe a course of treatment. The video below is the song I have chosen to for my theme song on the road.

A diagnosis of esophageal cancer really makes you stop and think. Makes me think of my former blog name "Into the Abyss" and feeling like that's where I am heading. However; I am not dwelling there. I have a God who is bigger than that! Really what I am trying to do is process everything I am feeling; which is widely varied! Hope and despair and everything in between. OK that's enough for now. I intend to blog this journey mainly because I am better at written words than spoken ones :)
But; I will be speaking too.

and another and another. Then I woke up in the recovery room. That is all I remember about the Endoscopy!!

I think I am a fairly patient person except when it comes to finding out test results! The test was done on Monday morning and I really thought I would know the results by that afternoon. No call. Tuesday. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. No call. Wednesday 8:47am the call. Doctor says: "it appears you have a mass in your stomach and I am going to schedule and appointment with a G.I. Doctor to scope your stomach and find out what this thing is." I was totally shocked by this and couldn't think of a thing to say except "what do you think doctor?" His reply: "I don't know." Very unnerving! But; even more unnerving...less that 5 minutes his scheduler called with the date and time of the appointment.  I then called the G.I. doctors office and asked what I needed to do in preparation for the appointment. She told me this was a consultation to discuss my "options" so there wasn't anything to prepare for. After I hung up I thought....DISCUSS MY OPTIONS...WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Well, I guess I will find out August 15th!
To be continued.....

The doctor said: "hmm I am going to send you for a swallow test". He gave me a referral and I scheduled the appointment. Then; of course I went to my friend/enemy the Internet to find out more information about this test. Everyone I know who had this test told me their horror stories. For example: the taste is horrible and you will probably vomit and have to retake the test, they strap you to a table and twirl you around while taking x-rays...etc...fun! The Internet and doctors office told me it was called a barium swallow. The stuff travels down the esophagus and into the stomach. X-rays are used to track the fluid which highlight odd or unusual areas of your innards. The assistant preps me and explains how it works then....in walks a crazy looking man (in my head I am thinking its the wild man from Borneo). His hair was wild and crazy as were his mannerisms. This was the Doctor! I found it a bit disconcerting when he couldn't find a lead apron (there were 3 of them hanging up right in front of him). His assistant pointed out their location-he must have thought this was amusing because he let out a "wild man" laugh...bwhahahahahaha! Then he couldn't find the lead scarf thingy that goes around their neck. The assistant said it was in the pocket of the lead apron. Again with the laugh...bwahahahahaha! I wasn't sure if it was part of an act- of if that is how he really is. He was really nice though, and he also took the time to explain everything. The test wasn't as bad as everyone had told me and it was over in about 30 minutes.

No really, I have a lump (or the feeling of a lump) in my throat. Its been going on for a while (at least 2 years; maybe more).  My doctor thought it might be a thyroid issue and sent me off for a thyroid ultra sound which thankfully came back negative. However; that didn't answer the question as to what the throat thing was. The feeling would come and go and really didn't bother me (except for being weird) and the doctor didn't seem to think it was a problem. So I kind of forgot about it until recently when it started to be a problem. It would feel more intense and food would actually get stuck in my throat (fortunately not all the time). Eventually; I was able to swallow it but at times the food would re-visit me i.e. throw it up. When this started happening I made a Doctor appointment and stopped eating in public!

I was going to do a several post retrospective about my garden but soon realized I wont have the time to do this...gather pictures etc...maybe I will do this at a later date. I have good reasons. I'm getting prepared to start my next class; Excel Spreadsheet. It starts on the 17th; two weeks earlier that originally scheduled! I am absolutely certain it will take much of my time. So; between work, keeping up the garden and school work I will be plenty busy!

Here was my first garden. A  10 x 10 plot in the process of becoming an actual garden.

 I have always wanted to plant a garden but my living situation was never conducive to doing so until I move here. I have a ginormous backyard and one of the first things my landlord said was "feel free to do anything you want with the yard; build a pool, plant a garden. Whatever". I nixed the notion of pool building immediately! I did however begin to plan a garden and the next thing you know I was digging up the yard.

Let me back up a few years...OK a lot of years. I've never planted a garden in my entire life and my only experience was watching my grandma work in hers. I recall with great fondness eating the fruits of her labor...boysenberry pie, strawberries, potatoes...  I remember helping her shuck corn and snapping green beans. I didn't remember it being hard work. Probably because I didn't actually do the work!

So; I started digging up the grass all the while thinking this was going to be easy. I was wrong. It was hard. It was backbreaking. It was not easy. But I continued.

Here is the yard before the big dig.

To be continued.......

No chocolate was consumed in the month of May! Glad that one is over.

This "no chocolate challenge" is hard. Only 19 days to go.

Friday was the Wright's Anniversary so they decided to celebrate by getting out of town. I got their children, dog, cat, house and garage door opener. Whoo Hoo! So I came up with an awesome schedule of events for Saturday. Our church had a workday on Saturday. We went for a few hours. Bethany and Daniel joined the crew picking up giant rocks and placing them strategically in the wash. I pulled weeds and watered the plants. It was hot. We were exhausted. Next stop Starbucks. Here I let them choose whatever they wanted. Bethany opted for an iced mocha, Daniel wanted an iced white chocolate macchiato and  I got a caramel, mocha Frappuccino with extra caramel! Of course they were the Grande size. Bethany totally enjoyed hers. Daniel totally disliked his. I loved mine! So, I tasted Daniel's and discovered it was absolutely awful and I gave him my drink (which he enjoyed). If we were still at Starbuck's I would have asked for an alternate drink. We went there because I was given a couple of gift card for "Administrative Professionals Day". Next; we went to my house. My original plan was to do some work in my garden but it was the hottest part of the day and we were too tired from working at the church, so no gardening happened. Instead we played with the cats and the Legos. Yes, I have Legos! From there we went to Little Caesar's Pizza and picked up one cheese pizza, two orders of Italian cheese bread and one order of oven baked wings. We devoured it when we got home. I believe there are 3 pieces of pizza left. Then we began a mini movie marathon. Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, The Flintstones and several episodes of The Pink Panther! This was accompanied by sugary snacks! Dinner was a "do it yourself" mainly because nobody was hungry. ( wonder why?). Then it was time for bed. They both were telling me they weren't tired. Ha! They were asleep in less than 10 minutes. This morning we are somewhat cleaning up the house. Bethany is loading the dishwasher, Daniel is taking out the trash and recycling and I am picking up the living room. Then we will be off to church. We will meet up with their parents at Ronnie's Cafe...we call this "second service" because many of us go there to eat after church. Then, I will go home and take a nap! Whew!! what a weekend.

It looks like the challenge for May is NO CHOCOLATE!
This should be interesting. And difficult. I think I must be CRAZY to attempt this! Oh well; a challenge isn't a challenge unless its challenging. Off to find any and all chocolate (and eat it) before May 1.

Wow, I think I have consumed more water this month than I have in an entire year! Although I wasn't consistent with my goal of drinking 32 ounces of water....some days less; but some days more...I feel it was a successful endeavor. Water is a necessary ingredient for life; as is the Living Water!